The Elvis Minutes #10: Timeless
If you found someone new
Who means more than me to you,
I'd never stand in your way .
If you feel we must part,
Don't let pity rule your heart,
I'll never stand in your way.
I love you much too much to ever lose you,
But what is to be will be, and I'll obey.
I'll be blue when you go, but I'll never let it show.
I'll never stand in your way.
I fucked up.
Why don't I ever learn? I make the same mistakes over and over again. With Debra. With Running Deer. With Tessa. And now with Methos. I know how fleeting time can be. I know how lives and destinies can change in a second. Yet, when it comes to love, I hesitate. Debra died because she believed I loved the clan more than her. I never got around to marrying Running Deer. I proposed to Tessa a day before she was gunned down on the street. And while Methos isn't gone as permanently as they are, he's not here with me--and I didn't tell him I loved him.
"They don't know if she'll make it to Egypt."
I blink away the moisture in my eyes as the van disappears down the street. Goodbye, Methos. Know that I love you. Please. "It doesn't matter," I tell Joe. "Even if she lives to be a hundred, he'll still have the pain of losing her." I should know, right? Then again, maybe not. No mortal woman had ever survived that long around me.
Who? Oh. "She's gone."
"On her own? Unprotected?" Joe shakes his head. "One of them trying to die, and the other one trying to live. It's crazy."
And you don't know the half of it, Joe. "Not for her. Listen, Dawson, when you get a Watcher on Claudia...."
"Don't worry. We'll keep an eye on her."
I nod and walk off towards my car. Alone. Again. I hadn't expected to be in such a state so soon. Damn. Had I been so wrong in wanting to help Claudia? I've watched over her and made sure she's had everything she's needed since she was a child. I explained that to Methos and he said he understood. Why then had he fallen for Joe's waitress? Claudia wasn't any competition.
I grasp my steering wheel as a thought strikes. Maybe it wasn't Claudia who made Methos distance himself from me. Maybe it was Walter. Aye, me and Walter had had our moments. I mean, he had to be rewarded for "taming the shrew", right? And it was incredibly easy when one was wearing a dress. Just lift your skirts and--I blush as I remember trying to hold a conversation with one of the stagehands while Walter.... Oh, to be so young and daring again. But that's Walter, bringing out the wild youth in me. Had Methos noticed that and...and what? Decided on his own that I preferred that to what he brings out in me?
Don't you know that you bring out the best in me, Methos? With you I can be anything I want to be. I can be Mac, the protector--I know you're just indulging me, but I appreciate the effort. I can be Mac, the buddy--I'm not your equal, but you respect me as if I am. I can be Mac, the unsure--it's true that you listen more than you advise, but most of the time that's all any of us needs, a kind, sympathetic ear. I can be Mac, the masterful lover--no matter how rough we play sometimes, you're always eager and willing. But I can also be Mac, the one who wants to be loved--and you hold me, seduce me, make love to me as if I was the most precious person on earth. No one else gives me such freedom, Methos. There's no other place besides in your arms or at your side that I feel safe enough to just be me. But I didn't tell you that, did I? I just assumed....
Do you know you broke my heart?
"I'm leaving, Mac, with Alexa."
I'd been surprised to find him at the loft, but pleased. It'd taken a few seconds of self-control not to lock the elevator and forget about Claudia and Walter for a while. But his opening words had left me speechless.
"Okay, let's start at the beginning. Do you remember me telling you about Alexa?"
I nodded as I sat down. Alexa. Waitress at Joe's. A spark. "You're attracted to her and she thinks you're cute."
"Yes. And I've found out she's dying."
Dying? "I'm--I'm sorry. But what has that--"
"She wants to see as much of the world as she can before she dies. I'm going to make that possible."
He blinked at me, then turned his gaze toward the wall. "Do you think so little of me, MacLeod, that you believe I don't possess an ounce of human compassion?"
Think so little of him? I leaned forward and cupped his chin to force him to look at me. "You have more than an ounce, my friend. I'm not questioning your need to do this. I'm questioning why you're doing this to us."
He reached out and traced a line down my cheek. "What us, MacLeod? If there was truly an us, you wouldn't have pushed me aside when your friend needed help."
"I was trying to protect you," I protested. "Was that wrong?"
The weak smile he gave me was the saddest I've ever seen. "No, Duncan, it wasn't wrong. It just made things clear to me."
"Well, make them clear to me," I'd begged.
He shook his head. "When it's right, we'll know it."
I pointed my finger toward the bed. "You're trying to tell me that wasn't right? Then what the hell is?" I'd said angrily. Nine days of loving--and he considered it wrong? Fuck him! I jerked to my feet and started pacing.
"Don't do this, Duncan."
"Don't do what? Fight for you?"
I didn't understand any of it. I still don't. But I leaned against the kitchen island and took a deep breath. Did I really want him to go off with some woman with anger between us, with bitter words being exchanged? It was a done deal. I knew that. He'd told this Alexa that he was going to take her around the world, and that was what he was going to do. I could play the scorned lover and make him hate me. Or I could leave us a way back.... "She's going to break your heart," I murmured softly.
He walked across the loft and wrapped his arms around my waist, dropping his head against my back. "Probably."
"And--and you're sure this is for the best?"
His wiry body shook against mine as he laughed. "I'm never sure of anything, MacLeod. I just--suspect this is what I need, what we need."
Who was I to question five thousand years of suspicion? Still, I jerked my head in agreement. "Promise me something?"
"Call me if you need me."
Okay, maybe I was asking for too much. "At least stay in contact with Joe, please. I need to know that you're all right."
He sighed. "Okay. Alexa is close to Joe anyway. I'm sure she'll want him to know...." His words died off and I turned to wrap my arms around him.
I didn't understand why he was putting himself through this. I didn't understand why he was putting us through this. All I understood was that I didn't want to lose him. I kissed the tip of his nose, then nuzzled my way down to his mouth. He didn't refuse my entrance and I took one last taste of him as a memory for the lonely nights ahead. Then I forced myself to let go.
"Something wrong, Mac?"
I look up to find Joe staring at me, puzzled because I'm just sitting in my car. "Just trying to figure out what to do with all my free time, Joseph," I answer, faking a smile.
"According to his Watcher, Richie's heading this way. So you better enjoy this time while you can."
"Thanks for the heads up." Good thing Methos is go--
I frown as the thought goes through my head. If I think that, then maybe Methos is right. Maybe I still have issues to work out about being in a relationship with him. Maybe--maybe just loving him isn't enough.
"See ya at the bar tonight?"
"Yeah. I'll be there, Joe." I turn on the engine and drive away. Listening to Joe play the blues will be a good way to spend the evening.
And with the lights turned down, no one will see my tears.I love you much too much to ever lose you
I'll Never Stand in Your Way ~ Words & music by Heath - Rose
Continues in Elvis Minutes #11